The Diaries of a Kunoichi, who really needs to watch her stuff
by ShivanSlayer
Summary: Due to the concentrated efforts of ANBU, the secret diaries of Sakura Haruno have been found! You have been authorized to look through these documents, because going through the secret diaries of a flustered kunoichi is not a creepy action at all! And as we have reviewed these diaries, our medical-nin is not who we previously thought she was. Rated T for language.
1. Chapter 1: Academy Graduate Tests

This is a fun idea that I've been wanting to test out. Writing this will be admittedly easier than other stories, since diaries are only a person's thoughts, little setup is required.

This is a Naruto series recap from Sakura's point of view, as written in her diary. Except that Sakura is a very different person in her diary than what we'd expect. Expect massive (and I mean massive) liberties taken with the character, which is owned by Masashi Kishimoto, as well as basically everything else mentioned in this diary.

* * *

 **The Sakura Diaries**

 _Ninja Disclaimer: The following information is to be viewed by authorized personnel only. Anyone below Jonin clearance is not allowed to view this document. Failure to comply to guidelines will result in 3 years of ninja prison, where you should take care not to drop the ninja soap. Alternatively, sentences could include 100 hours of ninja community service._

 _This document is read-only. Under no circumstances should the information be modified. Failure to comply will result in immediate termination from the ninja military._

Forward:

I want to thank no one in particular, as these are my personal diaries, and the asshole who leaked these will have my chakra-infused fist shoved up his poop-chute. That is all. Thank you. Goodbye.

...

WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS (the caps make my anger apparent)!

 **Chapter 1: Academy Graduate Tests**

Dear Diary,

Dear diary, what a clichéd way to begin these ultimate secret diaries that no one will absolutely find out about (ahem). I suppose I should write my name down, as in the impossible event someone reads about these, all kinds of awkward hi-jinks will ensue. My name is Sakura Haruno, but you can call me Haruno Sakura if you live on a bunch of isolated islands. My parents named me after the Sakura tree, with its beautiful pink blossoms. You know, like the color of my hair. It's kind of racist when you think about it (or it really isn't). I will not name my parents in here, because if I do that, and should they find out about this, connecting them to this diary would only shame them more. I may or may not decide to include their names later, just for fun.

So, about the day's events. What are my thoughts? Graduation day is finally coming up. I heard how early you graduate determines if you are to become a jonin or not. I heard some good ones, like Kurenai, graduated when they were 10 years old. They became genin when they were freakin' toddlers! So, there goes my hopes at that, at the not so fresh age of 12. And let me tell you, non-existent audience, settling for chunin, sucks. So, with that aspiration utterly crushed, what else to I have to go for in life? Well, I could try my luck in the oh-so volatile landscape of love. Although, a certain blonde-bimbo apparently has it out for me in that field. What pleasure it would give me to show her up.

But, one thing at a time. First, I have to pass the exam. Which, last time I checked, consists of a transformation test, which is easy, and a Kage Bushin test, which is a piece of cake. So, this test will probably be a sitch.

Anyways that's it for now. Signed and dated.

P.S: I'm going to say Shannaro from now on. It'll be my personal signature. I have absolutely no idea what it means, but I'm going to own it. Because I need something to identify myself with, other than personality and character, I'm going with a verbal tic, because that's easy.

Entry No. 2

Dear Diary,

Well, the exam was different than what I expected, in that it was even easier than I anticipated. I mean seriously, I graduated in my sleep. So now, I'm a genin. I'm gonna get a sensei, and I'm going to be paired up with two other aspiring chumps, because that makes for all kinds of awkward social situations. Shannaro! See? Doesn't that make me stand out more? Shannaro! Ugh, I just love the ring to that. It's kind of like that dickhead Naruto's Dattebayo, only it doesn't make me want to punch myself in the face, because that would be self-abuse, and I would be considered a self-hating emo.

Speaking of emos, Sasuke's behind was looking fine. I do remember Ino saying something about how she'll beat me to win his heart, or whatever crap she was spewing that day. Seriously, breaking our fragile friendship just because it so happened that I liked the same guy. Or maybe I did that. I don't know, for her, finding out that I liked Sasuke-koon (aren't honorifics fun?) was the most traumatic day of her life, but for me, it was a Tuesday. Or a Wednesday. It was probably a Monday, but that's on the account that Mondays suck.

And speaking of dickheads, surprise surprise, Naruto failed the exam. You almost feel sorry for the guy. Almost. Until you find out that he's a gigantic prick who loves to defile our sacred ninja monuments. He's the type of guy who, if he liked someone, but they liked someone else, he would assault that someone else and transform into him to seduce that someone. That being said, I think I'm on his radar. And I don't mean, I'm that stray object off to the side that gives off a faint green beep. I think I'm in his sights, and he's piloting his proverbial ninja submarine towards my gluteus. Now, how I found this out, was rather clever of me, as I possess keen powers of observation honed by many years of academy study. I found out when he said to me (in his chain-smoking raspy voice) "Sakura-chan, I have a crush on you!". He then said Dattebayo, or believe it, or some other crap like that. Now, I don't exactly know whether he appended "-chan" or "-kun" at the end of my name. He probably should have appended "-desu desu", because I have no idea what that means.

Anyways, I'm signing off. Tomorrow, I find out who my teammates are. I hope I'm paired up with Shikamaru, he seems like a cool guy. Of course, the ultimate hope is Sasuke, but I like to keep my expectations tempered. Shannaro!

End of document.


	2. Chapter 2: Getting our Sensei

The adventure continues with our pink-haired heroine. What will happen? Have you seen the show? Read the manga? Cheated and looked on Narutopedia? Well then don't hold your breath, because you already know what's going to occur here!

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 **Chapter 2: Getting our** **Senpai**

Entry No. 3

Dear Diary,

Oh cruel fate! What doth fortuna hold against me? Oh fortuna, what sadistic schemes you conspire! Naruto and Sasuke on the same team! Who would have thought of that? It's like I'm being thrown into this extremely convoluted story, that will probably have a lot of flashbacks.

And speaking of flashbacks, I probably should start at the beginning of the day. Skankity McSkankSkank, otherwise known as Ino had the displeasure of meeting me during my morning stroll to the academy. My final stroll to the academy, in fact. I totally beat her to the classroom; we were racing, did I mention that? My gigantic forehead, which is about a third of the size of Ino's ego, was the deciding factor, as we were neck and neck. In the end, she lacked the girth above her eyes to get the job done.

So, fresh off of sweet sweet victory, I had the chance to admire the exquisite marble (pouting) statue that was Sasuke Uchiha. Kun. And holy Shannaro on a Dattebayo, he was looking even more fine today. Now, I have to stop myself here. Why do I like Sasuke so much? Maybe it's his gorgeous eyes, or his full pouting lips, or his sexy emotionless voice. Naruto probably thought the same thing, as he then planted a smooch on said pouting lips. So, yeah, Naruto stole my first kiss from my first crush (and we all know that we marry our first crush, that's common adult logic there). I was kind of depressed. It's sad seeing all your dreams crushed (pun intended) in an instant. Makes you want to stand still while others do stuff. I don't know if Sasuke enjoyed that or not, but judging by the way he held his neck, as if he kissed someone who smoked a lot, he probably enjoyed it and was in self-denial. So then, Sasuke bats for the same team I see, and taking into account that Naruto has a childish crush on me (almost as childish as my crush on Sasuke), he also probably hides something other than a demon fox in his proverbial closet. You see, this is why I'm a homophobe.

But possible bigotry aside, I end up teamed up with these two, and you can imagine the mixed feelings. On one hand is the mother#& %er (damn you autocorrect, damn you to ninja hell!) Naruto (more on that later). On the other hand is Sasuke-chan-san-senpai-sama...kun. But with this recent development, I wasn't so enthused. And we're on Team 7. Yes, that's right, lucky seven, except that I was lucky and unlucky at the same time. But what does luck mean? Is it true that fortune decides our fates instead of our teachers? Or does the chain of circumstances and events compel such illusion as fate? I'm a ninja, not a philosopher, so I'm not going to go much deeper than that.

So, after that, we all got a chance to get acquainted with one another. This consisted of Sasuke (predictably) meditating alone in his own home, while Naruto had transformed into Sasuke, because he wasn't satisfied with only one half of the equation. Now, for a little while, Naruto had me fooled. But then, when he got diarrhea from expired milk (or so I heard), that was when I figured out that I was being duped. How so? Well, I always associate Naruto with poo, so that's that. And then Sasuke comes back, and calls me "annoying". Ha! Lucky bastard doesn't know the half of it. Oh wait, bastard isn't the correct term for him, orphan would be more accurate since his parents are dead. I was just using it as a figure of speech to make me sound cooler. Well, maybe that's why he had Naruto in full French (whatever that is) formation; their lack of parental figures in their lives made them bond. I probably said something that ticked him off, about parents and stuff, and he took exception to that, and hence, why he called me "annoying".

Now, the ultimate tragedy, is I could have come up with a thousand better insults than "annoying". Seriously, what a bland and base insult. This is the guy that got the top score in the class, and yet he lacks fundamental creativity when it comes to formulating a slander. He probably thinks calling a coward "chicken" is the holy grail of insults. Sasuke is seeming like just a pretty face and nothing more, unspecified ladies and gentlemen. But, as an emo, he does keep his emotions close to his chest, so in order to pry open the can of Sasuke soup and have him gushing, I'll have to get close to his chest. Well, even if he turns out to be your regular run-of-the-mill asshole, the challenge will be fun. Now, on to my adventures as a genin with two socially inept twelve year olds! Shannaro!

Entry No. 4

Dear Diary,

We were introduced to our sensei today, who was last sensei to retrieve us from the classroom. Now children, when you are last, that means you're a loser. If I was running a company, and he was an employee, his ass would be grass. Naruto played a childish prank on him, which, I hate to admit, was a pretty good idea. He had expertly positioned a blackboard eraser on top of a semi-opened door. The sucker that comes through the door will have calcium carbonate in his lungs for days. Wow, that was really hard, complementing Naruto, I don't want to be caught doing that again.

The funny thing is, it worked. The chump fell for it! He then said, "I hate you all," which in my opinion, is weaksauce's weaksauce. But enough of that, what an enigma our sensei is.

He's the kind of guy you think should be in a rock band. He probably was, and then his lead guitar guy got killed, in like, a rock avalanche, or something like that, and he became a ninja. He got the scarecrow spiky silver hair going on, and a mask covering his mouth. But we ninjas like to put clothing items over our mouths all the time, so the mask didn't bother me. But stay tuned ladies and gentlemen, this guy is a real treat.

So then ,we got into a really crappy group icebreaker. Talking about dreams, likes and dislikes and the usual crap. The only thing I found out about the guy was that his name was Kakashi Hotcakes. Now, part of my ignorance was probably due to the fact that I wasn't paying attention to him. Moving on, Naruto wants to be Hokage apparently. Ha! Seriously, not in a million years! This isn't some ninja comic book, where you find out your dad is the Fourth Hokage and you inherit the Sage of Six Paths power, then marry the girl who's been secretly harboring a crush on you. This is real life, where everyone is a ninja and can spit fire from their mouths. You know, realistic things. Sasuke took part in the cliche cringe-fest, spouting off some bull$#!+ about revenge and restoring his clan. I can tell you Mr. Uchiha, you will have plenty of volunteers for the second part of your dream, the first part, not so much.

So tomorrow, apparently we're going to have ... wait for it ... more tests! Seriously, I've had enough of this test crap! I want to go into the field, stab some mother#& %ers in the throat, then blow up an armory! I mean, I do have pretty good control over my chakra, so I anticipate that I'll be a big part in the group effort. But whatever, I have to prepare for this test tomorrow. Shannaro!


	3. Chapter 3: Training Ninjas

**Chapter 3: Training Ninjas**

Entry No. 5

Dear Diary,

Holy crap, that was terrible. That was so embarrassing. I couldn't believe what had happened, it was completely insane.

Our sensei is apparently into the "Make-Out Tactics" novels by the traveling frog hermit. What a steaming load that is. Sifu-Kakashi is a pervert, and a very classless one at that, as there are far more erotic, and well-written books out there, like "Fifty Clones of Shadow". And no, I'm not saying that just because "Make-Out Tactics" isn't about yaoi. Great, now I have Naruto and Sasuke back in my head again. And they are doing the yaoi. And now, my mind has twisted it so now they're doing the yuri. I've got problems man.

But, that's not really the meat of the day, isn't it? The main topic of today is the ass-whooping Mr. Hotcakes gave all of us. I guess that's why he's a jonin. I believe in other circles, he would be what you would call, a "bunny-ears lawyer", in that he has weird quirks, but he's too damn good to let those quirks get the better of him. I still would fire him thought, but that's more to do with my uncontrollable rage.

Let's start from the very beginning, as it's a very good place to start. The test today? A bell test. The parameters, two bells, three hopeful genin, the two who get the bells by lunch pass, the genin lacking the bell fails. Simple, Sasuke and I could do this, and we could leave Naruto in the dust. The little bastard himself complied all too easily, and challenged coach Kakashi out in the open. Now, in a land where 90% of the major military is made up of stealthy ninjas, that's a pretty dumbass thing to do, but then, this is Naruto we're talking about. I won't fill you in on what happens, because you non-existent audience members can fill in the blanks.

Now, the plan was, have Kakashi own Naruto, then Sasuke and I can take him out together. It was a brilliant plan, until Sasuke decided to aggro Kakashi too early before I was prepared. That pretty much decided that raid, and completed the wipe. Because of Sasuke acting like a jackass, I was pretty disoriented myself. So disoriented, that 1970's experimental glam-rock sensation Kakashi caught me in a genjutsu! However, he used the most annoying cliched thing you could think about, Sasuke dying. Seriously, think up of something more creative man! This is genjutsu, you can create whatever the hell you want! Have me burned in a pool of boiling lava! Have my hand cut off, and then have some evil overlord reveal that he's my father's brother's nephew's former roommate. Have me trampled by an angry mob calling me a "useless bitch". Where is the creativity these days? I was so frustrated at the fact that he thought I would fall for such stupid trick, that I fell for his stupid trick. I hope I broke his eardrums with my scream.

Luckily, I got better, and then saw Sasuke's head sticking out from the ground. It crossed my mind that I could teabag him for being a super-aggressive noob, but I decided to stick with the screaming.

Then blah blah blah, Naruto get's tied to a log, blah blah blah, teamwork blah blah blah blah, we left Naruto blah. Which is a pretty assholish thing for us to do, I mean man, the kid's an orphan, let's just take away his bed for the night.

To be honest, I'm exhausted. Apparently I passed Kakashi's test by screaming twice, and falling for a genjutsu. Perhaps if I applied the same approach to all my other ninja endeavors, I'll keep scoring victories. Right now, I need to go to bed. I'm probably going to be dreaming about Naruto and Sasuke again, forming a dynamic duo, with each of their dynamic duos. I really should relax, the kiss was an accident anyways. The only place where they're going to fall in love is in my twisted dreams, which I will be all too happy to be rid of. Hopefully no one else experienced the same overreaction I did and started to write fanfiction about them, that would be truly demented. Shannaro!


End file.
